Letting go of a loved one’s belongings after they pass away

The loss of a spouse, parent, grandparent, relative or close friend is one of the saddest and most difficult things that anyone can go through. Combine that with having to sort through their property. And, imagine if you happen to be the executor of the estate and also have to navigate the legal aspects of the process.

A few months ago I worked with a woman and her brother, their father had recently passed away, several years after their mom. They were now tasked with clearing out the home that they grew up in, which included not only determining what items to keep or get rid of from their parents, but also many of their own childhood possessions that were still in the house. Each one handled it differently, the brother was the more pragmatic of the two and found it easier to let things go, while the sister initially wanted to keep much of what was there.

Oftentimes, after a loved one dies we find comfort in their stuff, keeping their belongings makes us feel like a part of them is still with us. I experienced this when my dad passed away. I’m happy to say that I still have several items of his, but the thing that gives me the most joy every day is two sketches that he did many, many years ago. It amazes me that I never even knew that he had any artistic talent.

The point is that while you want to hold on to some things that give you comfort and remind you of them, you don’t want to keep so much that it overwhelms your home or your life, as having too much has proven to be stressful in itself. Try to remember that stuff is just stuff, but you will always have your memories of a person. A suggestion is to limit yourself to three or four items. If, for example your grandmother left you her set of china but you don’t have the space to display or won’t use it, perhaps you can keep a piece or two, give some to other family members and donate or sell the rest. Also remember that you can take a picture as a way to preserve the memory but not physically keep it.

Before you begin the process, think about what is in the home, as it’s possible that it has been awhile since you were last there. Often, particularly if someone is from out of town, they have a limited amount of time to sort through a lifetime of accumulation. Hopefully you have another family member there to help, or you could also hire a professional organizer if it seems too daunting. And, if you do decide to work with someone, remember that they will never dispose of anything without your approval.

Here’s a quick overview of where to start. If at all possible, please try to wait a bit after the person has passed as this is a very emotional time.

Armed with trash bags, first throw away obvious garbage. Go to the kitchen and get rid of old food and expired items that no one can use. Do the same for the bathrooms and storage areas (basement, garage, etc). The idea is to get rid of as much as you can that has no use, as the less stuff that remains, the less overwhelming it will seem, and it will seem easier to continue. If possible, dispose of all garbage immediately via regular garbage pick up, or rent a dumpster if needed.
Clear a space by the front door, or if the home has a garage, have a designated space in it for things that you have sorted from the house. The categories will be keep, donate and sell (and possibly shred, if the person had financial documents that need to be disposed of). Remember to label so the categories don’t get mixed up.
When sorting, try to make a decision about an item when first looking at it, but if you’re really undecided put it aside to go back to later.
Unless you think that an item has great value, I suggest donating it. Family members often think that their loved ones property has greater value than it actually does, and so they feel that they can get a lot of money for it. For example, unless you’re prepared to have an estate or garage sale, it may be difficult to sell dishes, glassware, and most furniture (there are some exceptions). Even then, in the end, you might end up donating what doesn’t sell. Ebay or other online platforms provide selling options, but my rule is that unless you have a lot of time, patience and think that you can get at least $30 for the item, it’s not worth it. Of course, if you think that your relative has items of high value such as jewelry, silver, art work, collectibles, etc, you might want to consider hiring an appraiser.
Most clothing falls into the donate category unless you have designer pieces that might have enough value to try to sell.

I have a great helpful DOWNLOAD that will allow you to sign up and download a list of places to sell, donate and consign your items.

Try to work as fast as possible, but not too fast that you get overwhelmed. And, try to break it down into bite-sized chunks, working no more than four or five hours a day, so you don’t get burned out.

I am always just a phone call, text or email away, so please contact me if you need any help with the process.